Constellations counselling: breaking free from bonds

I start with the taming of wild elephants. Wild calves are sometimes taken at a young age to become working animals, away from their mothers - tethered. The elephant is tied for long periods and cannot break free. It grows into adulthood, powerful and muscular in one way, but its spirit and freedom of expression crushed.

As human beings we can live with metaphorical bonds that tie us to limited lives. Sometimes through life experience we grow up with limited self-expression. Often what compounds the problem is that we can’t even see the bonds, they’ve become a part of the fabric of our lives.

The work I do using Constellations is often about freeing ourselves of those bonds, developing a better understanding to reveal where and how they keep us safe, but stuck. We explore the layers of emotional context, I sometimes refer to it as our emotional geography, for example our family of origin, to understand the roots of these bonds.

In Constellations we physically place the relevant aspects of a situation in front of us using floor markers or other objects as representations to give a feel for relationships and our wider context. There’s often something really empowering and enabling about seeing our story laid out physically in front of us – we can see the wood for the trees.

It can show us how we can become entangled; some ties more obviously linked to specific events; others are just part of a historic backdrop. We learn responses to experiences which enable us to survive. Ultimately though many of our learned behaviours leave us unfulfilled. It’s frustrating, like running old versions of software on your computer.

When we recognise the bonds and understand their impact, we can begin the work of replacing them with updated thinking and behaviours that leads to more life-affirming choices (it’s like installing updated software)!

An imaginary client story

I’m using an imaginary client here to illustrate how bonds can tie us. Imagine someone whose parents couldn’t cope when s/he cried or needed a hug; s/he was given the basics to survive but experienced precious little tenderness and affection. Expression of raw emotion wasn’t ok, instead s/he remembers judgement. Vulnerability was a sign of weakness and neediness.

This client learns to navigate his/her family by suppressing vulnerability and feelings. S/he becomes a functioning adult, holding down a good job, yet feeling like a ghost and finding it hard to maintain close relationships.

Laying out the emotional geography of a client’s issue

Beyond victimhood

Through Constellations my client and I explore different parts of his/her family. And we do so without seeking who’s to blame, since labelling people as victims or perpetrators keeps everyone frozen. I encourage my client to allow everyone their rightful place in their family, we simply try to understand with a compassionate heart why things were that way. This doesn’t mean we white-wash painful events, as acknowledging pain is a vital part of the process, but so too is developing a sense of gratitude for life.

As this client observes patterns of withdrawal from intimacy, s/he begins to shed attachments to stories about blame and victimhood. Part of our work together[i] is to notice when judgment of others arises, and conversely when “I’m not good enough” self-critic prevails. My client’s gradual understanding of her/his context allows their hearts to open to the people around them, and this creates a breathing space for new possibilities.

Unlike the captured elephant, most of us have the chance to untether the bonds that tie us, and to re-write what’s possible. Neuroscience shows us that our brains have an incredible capacity to create new neural pathways, quite literally to re-wire ourselves[ii].

To find out more, please get in touch here.

[i] We agree homework between sessions

[ii] Dr Joe Dispenza’s book: “breaking the habit of being yourself”.

Taming the Wild Elephant

In my earlier blog I touched on the themes of belonging; the ties that link us to people, groups, concepts and belief systems, and I want to share a story about the taming of wild elephants.

Wild elephant calves are taken at a young age from the herd and trained by elephant handlers to become working animals – carrying felled tree trunks through the forest. This blog isn’t about the ethics of this practice, I’m using it because the image has stayed with me for years, and it speaks of how we can become limited in our self-expression as human beings.

From their first days of captivity, in order to prevent them from escaping back into the jungle, the elephant’s back leg is tethered by a rope tied to a stake in the ground. There is no escape. Days flow into weeks, and weeks into months and this tying is a daily ritual. When they’re not working, the elephant is tied to its rope; it learns that it cannot break free. I’m assuming that it tries to break free initially, but it’s only a young elephant and has limited strength.

In time the elephant grows in strength, and eventually it becomes an adult – muscular and powerful. Yet the size of the rope that tethered the elephant calf remains the same into adulthood, in spite of the fact that it has the physical strength to break the rope.

So what has all this got to do with constellations? Constellations can be a helpful tool to shine a light on our relationships to people and systems. They can reveal hitherto unconscious ‘ropes’ that keep us stuck. Sometimes in a constellation, the very act of seeing things for the first time as they truly are, rather than how we’d imagined them to be, is a powerful first step in making a positive life-enhancing change.

Sometimes the insights in a constellation act like an imaginary wisdom whispering in our ear: ‘you can break that rope – it’s your choice…’

In constellations, these ropes are often referred to as ‘entanglements’, and they happen when the healthy flow of giving and receiving in relationships become distorted or when something or someone critical in any given system is excluded. Imagine from a very early age that someone learns that: “mummy doesn’t love me when I cry.” Their mother might well have had very valid reasons for being that way; she might herself have learned that crying was taboo, or she might have had an overwhelming mother that because of her own trauma could not be the parent, but was like a child herself. Whatever the reason, somewhere there was an entanglement that might go back generations. 

One of the most graceful aspects for me in working with constellations is that there is truly no blame when we look with an open heart at the whole system in which everything is interconnected.

So back to “mummy doesn’t love me when I cry.” With that rope bound from childhood, our person might grow into adulthood suppressing tears, vulnerability and hurt feelings. They may unconsciously withdraw from intimacy in relationships that bring those feelings to the surface and feel threatening.

I want to close by saying that for me constellations are a wonderful tool that help us better understand where and how our entanglements plays themselves out in life. And from there, once we’ve spotted the patterns (or the ropes that tame our birthright of a life fully lived), we can start to make different choices. We know enough from neuroscience that our brains have an incredible capacity to forge new neural pathways, they can quite literally re-wire themselves.

Sad as the image of the elephant tethered to its rope might be, there is a more hopeful story.

Want to find out more…?

If you’re interested in coming to a workshop check out the upcoming ‘Landscapes of Change’ - Retreat Series, or if you’re new to constellations, take a look at my previous blog explaining the background to constellations, and how I work with clients in workshops.

If you want to discuss the possibility of organising a workshop with Marcos or if you’d just like to have an informal chat, please feel free to get in touch.

Constellations Counselling at the Natural Practice, Winchester

I hope you enjoy this article; it explains my constellations counselling practice, my intention is for readers new to this approach to get an understanding of the work, and hopefully to want to find out more.



Constellations-counselling[i] offers a whole-person way of understanding clients’ life issues. It’s like starting with a 2-dimensional image of the issue, my client and I then add layers of further context, for example a client’s family-of-origin history. In so doing, together we co-create an evolving 3-dimensional picture. We’re interested in the most influential systems, people or events that have been formative in the question at hand – what seems to be maintaining the status quo that the client wants to address.

As humans, we belong to many systems: the family of origin, work, cultural background, spiritual or religious practices, our ancestry etc.

Sometimes people ask: “does this work have anything to do with constellations and astrology?”. In astrology, constellations are formed of a myriad of stars, planets, moons in continual movement and orbit. Gravitational pulls exert their influence on the whole system, and so it is with human beings: we belong and are related to multiple systems, their ‘gravitational pull’ on us is sometimes obvious, sometimes less so with subconscious forces at play.

Embodied work

I encourage not only talking about, but also experiencing the client’s world in an embodied way. One of the drawbacks I found as a person-centred counsellor was that sometimes we’d be recycling old stories through talking. When we introduce our bodies’ wisdom however and all our intuitive ways of knowing, we start to reveal the root cause of issues.

Mapping a client’s emotional geography

I use the metaphor of an emotional landscape. Constellations counselling is layered, it’s not about one-off Eureka! cures, although there is often deep insight in a session. In my experience, it takes time and willingness to engage with the layers of a client’s emotional landscape; to see them, experience them and gradually integrate new ways of operating in the world[ii].

Clients often report they find the physical mapping of their story particularly helpful. Placing one’s story outside of oneself, enables viewing it afresh, more dispassionately.

As we do this, we also surface a client’s limiting beliefs and stories.

For example: a client had parents who were unavailable to properly parent, often distracted in their own affairs with little time for their children’s needs. The client experienced in a constellation that they were still seeking their parent’s approval into adulthood, unconsciously projecting the familiar story of their inner six-year old. We later saw this pattern repeated in other adult relationships with partners, or in their work context with their line manager.

Creating new narratives

Stories and behavioural patterns aren’t “wrong”, they’re normally a client’s natural survival strategies formed in often challenging circumstances. I tread with deepest respect around these stories. However, I also gently challenge and encourage my clients to create new narratives for the lives they wish to lead.

Many of us would probably recognise a ‘comfortably numb’ place of falling into habitual thinking that leads us down a negative spiral; there’s comfort in ‘better the devil you know’! You can read more about how disempowering these old patterns can be in my blog Taming the Wild Elephant. 

When my client understands the impact of their stories and belief systems, and can make peace with them[iii], they become free to make new choices, to start new ways of thinking and to literally create new neural pathways in their brain.

Representation

So how do we get an embodied sense of what’s going on in a constellation?

We use ‘representation’. Basically, it means a person or an object representing someone or something in a system. In 1-1 work with a client, we’ll use felt floor markers, or sometimes Playmobile figures or chair work[iv] to physically see things in relationship to one another. I will often invite my client to physically stand on a felt floor marker (a representative place) and feel ‘what’s it like from that perspective?’.

I do the same too, with permission from my client I stand in different representative places, and we can sense the relationships and even dialogue from those positions.

‘What should I be doing?’

clients often ask when they’re new to this.

It’s not about Oscar-winning dramatic performances, there’s no training required to be a representative, we all have the ability to sense into another’s shoes. It’s one of the unique attributes of being human. I simply invite my client’s openness, curiosity and trusting inclusion of ‘what shows up’. I often say ‘you can’t get this wrong’.

The experience from different ‘representative’ places gives us a sense of how the system is functioning; it provides us with information about where things might be stuck: you may feel a sensation of being cold, stuck, engaged, heavy, disconnected, depressed, fearful, vital, happy, or nothing at all! It’s all valuable information about what’s in the field.

Clients are often surprised by how much information is available to us when we’re in a constellation, much of it very accurate, down to postures, facial expressions, even the way that words are spoken. And there’s no script.

Felt floor markers might ‘represent’ people in a family system, the squares male, the circles female. The notches represent the direction a person is facing.

Flow

When a system is in flow, there’s an ease we experience when we’re representing, everything or everyone has their right place, there’s contact between people, serendipity, a palpable sense of ease, love, we notice a balance of giving and receiving, parents look after children, there is good eye contact etc.

Conversely when flow is disrupted, we see and indeed feel it.

Playmobil figures used to explore a family system

Standing on a floor marker as a representative

Entanglements

The systems that we belong to can be complex: consciously or sub-consciously we’re in continual movement between belonging, a very human fundamental need, and the impulse to individuate and become more self-expressed[v].

The tension arises because as we individuate, we’ll probably challenge a system’s rules. A family system for example will organise itself to achieve as broad an integration of its parts, but it can also have the power to exclude or marginalise whatever threatens coherence.

For a lot of my clients their dis-ease stems from excluded people or events.

Why do my needs seem to come second to everyone else’s?

The structure of a typical constellation counselling session.

The start

• We start the session sitting. If it’s the intake session[vi] I explain how the session is structured, about constellations counselling, confidentiality agreements, housekeeping.

• The session lasts typically 50 minutes, or 100 if a double-booking.

• I may ask questions relating to a client’s intake questionnaire (this is the only time I’ll take notes)

• The client shares what they’re wanting to work on, what’s brought them to counselling. If the issue isn’t clear, we work together to formulate it.

Setting up the constellation

• We agree who/what are the key people/events most relevant to their work. Client maps that scenario, using felt markers or other objects.

• We start simply, with just a few representative objects, then add layers is needed.

• We observe the constellation, explore what we notice: who’s in relationship with whom, are there obvious issues: e.g. people not looking at one another, spaced far apart, or on top of the other.

Representing

• We can physically represent in the constellation (as described earlier), to experience parts of the system, standing in the shoes of others.

• Sometimes we’ll dialogue from different positions, other times physical gestures and body language suffice.

Homework: creating new habits and behaviours

• We conclude the session with ‘what next’ agreements

• We decide after the intake session whether we’ll continue to work together, if so for how many sessions, spaced over how many months

• Together we reflect on insights and agree what habits, patterns and behaviours to focus on in-between sessions.

[i] Family constellations work was developed by the late Bert Hellinger who along with others 40+ years ago worked systemically with families, exploring a whole family system to understand the challenges facing an individual. Bert integrated his work as a family therapist with years as a missionary priest in South Africa, working with indigenous Zulu tribes. This strongly influenced family constellations approaches which often include our ancestors whether dead or alive. 

[ii] This is the primary reason I ask clients to commit to working with me at least for 3 sessions, spaced about one month apart.

[iii] Constellations work is not about getting caught up in who were the victims or perpetrators; the baddies and the goodies! I try to facilitate my client to start to see all the people and events in their systems, as having their place, their reason for being that way. To that extent, a lot of the work is about seeing things as they truly are and reaching a place of forgiveness.

[iv] This is where I invite my client to sit in a different seat in the therapy room and experience the same situation from another person’s perspective, e.g. “how is it if you sit here in the place of your daughter?”

[v] Clients are invited to complete an intake questionnaire setting out some relevant personal information, history, family of origin details, current family and outlining what they’re seeking to work on
[vi] Carl Rogers, the grandfather of person-centred approaches, called this self-actualisation

What's Mine is Yours

What's mine is yours, and what’s yours is also mine - like icebergs we connect and meet in the unconscious depths beneath the waterline. There is a beautiful word in South Africa “Ubuntu” that means: 'I am what I am because of who we all are.”

Often the first time people experience representing in a constellation, they are moved and amazed by how so much specific and detailed information about the client is available to us; something secret that was buried in a family comes to the surface; a long-lost grandparent holds information that seems relevant to the here and now world of the client’s.

Time and time again it's been my experience that the human condition is not as personal and unique as we might think. Like the iceberg that appears like a lone island floating in the sea but is in fact connected deep under the sea to its neighbour, or the shaman who stands in front of the village and says “I am river”, and she speaks on behalf of the spirit of river. We often witness a representative standing in the space of someone's family member and their body language, voice and phraseology mirror exactly that person.

For me one of the huge benefits of working with whole-systems with constellations is that whilst it allows the client to glimpse deeply into their personal and family systems, at the same time it allows representatives to resonate with issues that touch their own lives.

I am not going to attempt to explain how this phenomenon happens, except to say that it is my belief that we are energetic as well as physical beings. In the realms of our energetic relationships we have the capacity to feel into the human condition and into each other's worlds. I like Rupert Sheldrake’s explanation of Morphic Resonance, and there are many other explanations, for example the role of archetypes in the human psyche.

I was taught facilitation of constellations at one point by Albrecht Marr who said to our group with a loving smile: “don't think you're so special, there are only so many ways to suffer as a human being!”.

Ultimately what touches me in this work is that in stepping into another's world in a constellation, we too are touched by the human condition: what is mine is also yours. And what is wonderful is that this doesn't detract from the incredible diversity and uniqueness of each individual story, which I honour. For me it re-balances a predominantly Western perspective that over-emphasises the individual over the collective.

So if you're feeling a little shy about trying out constellations in a group workshop setting, I encourage you to reflect on the possibility that your personal story at some level will be likely to resonate for the people that will ‘represent’ for you. Somewhere in the unconscious depths of our humanity, like icebergs floating in the sea, we commune and understand.

Want to find out more…?

If you’re interested in coming to a workshop check out the upcoming ‘Landscapes of Change’ - Retreat Series, or if you’re new to constellations, take a look at my previous blog explaining the background to constellations, and how I work with clients in workshops.

If you want to discuss the possibility of organising a workshop with Marcos or if you’d just like to have an informal chat, please feel free to get in touch.

Constellations retreats at Hazel Hill Wood

1.       Constellations at Hazel Hill Wood

It's early Spring, the bluebells and anemones are out at Hazel Hill Wood.

This blog is to give you a feel for the workshops that I regularly run at the wood. I want to also share a little about the name: “Wellspring of Wellbeing”, and how that relates to my constellation work and approach. I’m hoping to provide some useful background to constellations, especially if you’re new to this, and I’ll also share the broad format for the workshops so you’ll know what to expect when you come along.

A mini biog for Marcos Frangos: At work I have two main roles: I manage the charity that owns the magical 70-acre educational woodland called Hazel Hill Wood with eco-buildings where we run a variety of workshops. I also run my own company called Wellspring Change that provides consultancy to individuals and organisations around wellbeing and organisational change. I frequently weave constellations as a tool into all my work.

Some personal information: I’m of Greek heritage, and I am a UK citizen. Both my parents are Greek, from the Aegean island of Chios. I was born and educated in the UK, and have lived in Winchester (South of England) for over 15 years. I started off my professional life as a trainee architect, I then studied and worked as a person-centred counsellor and subsequently enjoyed a career in inclusion of disabled people into buildings. I have a long-held interest in people and organisations and what makes them tick, how we make meaning out of the challenges and opportunities before us. A few years ago I did a formal two-year training course to become a facilitator of constellations in Oxford, with ‘Core Constellations, Theory & Practice’. This provided exposure to many different approaches to constellations. I have been privileged to learn from very experienced and gifted facilitators: Albrecht Marr, Vivian Broughton, Barbara Morgan, Jan Jacob Stam and many others. I continue to do my regular personal and professional supervision work with a constellations peer group in Oxford, and I am also in 1-1 psychotherapy.

So, why “Wellspring of Wellbeing?” The name “Wellspring of wellbeing” is what I use for my constellation workshops and is inspired by the Greek “Zoothoxou Pigi”. It literally means the Wellspring of Life. Interestingly this name is often synonymous with the Virgin Mary in the Greek Orthodox tradition. I resonate with this name because I believe each of us can access our own wellspring of wellbeing. It’s that part of us that deeply knows, that deeply understands what we seek, that recognises what we need to learn through our experience to become more fully present, more fully expressed and more vital as a human being. My personal image when I think of a wellspring of wellbeing is an ever-present flow of water that springs forth directly out of the earth - like a bubbling brook through our inner landscape - always in flux and flow.

The concept of ‘flow’ is central to me in life and in constellations. When you’re in flow, you probably recognise that experience of things falling into place with ease, of serendipity and meeting just the right person at the right time. In this state, we’re open to experience and to learning and life feels exciting, limitless and creative. Conversely when we’re out of flow, or feel stuck, there are often inner reasons why we’ve closed our connection to our inner wellspring – out of fear, self-limiting beliefs, past traumas etc.  All of these can lead us to create ‘stories’ that we tell ourselves. In one sense, these stories are helpful, they help us to survive, often through very challenging life circumstances – perhaps they even kept us alive. I tread with deepest respect for these stories – they have a purpose. But, they can limit us too. In a future blog I’ll share a story about how wild elephants are tamed that relates to this theme. 

So what are family constellations and how can they help? This approach is borne out of the work of Bert Hellinger and is often referred to as “Family Constellations”. Bert developed this approach over 30 years ago working with families by looking ‘systemically’ at the whole family system to understand the challenges facing the individual. Within his work as a family therapist he also integrated many years of being a missionary priest in Africa working with indigenous tribes who taught him about shamanic traditions that consciously include working with the ancestors. 

No person is an island. We are all part of multiple systems to which we belong, to our birth family, our national heritage, our ancestors, our organisational systems at work, the professions we belong to, our religion, our belief systems and so on. The systems that we belong to can be complex: consciously or at a sub-conscious level we are in a continual dance between ‘belonging’ to the system, which is a very fundamental need, and the impulse to ‘individuate’ and be a fully expressed human being. The tension arises because if we are fully ourselves, the chances are that we will at some point challenge the systems we belong to and their norms. Systems have a life and organising mind of their own, they too like individuals, are in continual flux trying to reach as balanced a position as possible given continually changing circumstances. Systems too will try and organise themselves to achieve as broad an integration of all the aspects within them, but they also exclude that which threatens their coherence.

Constellations are a wonderful tool to help reveal sometimes hidden dynamics and forces that are influencing the individual in the dance with the system(s) in which they’re operating.

How is a constellation set up in a workshop?

A constellation is usually focused around an individual that I normally call the ‘client’. Let’s imagine you’re the client. We’d start by sitting side by side in the initial part of the process and my role is to help you clarify your inner question. For example it might be a question about next steps in your career, or perhaps a more existential question like: ‘I want to feel more alive’ or ‘I don’t understand why I am so unhappy’. Through a process of deep listening and enquiry, I try and help you get as clear as you can about what you’re seeking, so you can formulate your inner question into a succinct sentence that resonates deeply for you. This is an important part of the exploration. Sometimes we find that your first presenting question actually has its roots in deeper sub-questions, which Bert Hellinger called ‘movement of the soul’.

Once your intention is clear, we establish who are the key players or the key aspects in your question. It’s not only people that are represented in a constellation, you can represent anything in a constellation, for example someone might represent a country or a nation. Imagine we’re co-creating a movie, and you’re the Director and it is you who decides which parts are needed to be represented in the first scene to place your inner question in the right context. Other parts or characters might of course come in as representatives in later scenes, but I like to start a constellation keeping things simple.

Representatives in constellations

Once we’ve agreed who needs to be in the constellation, I’ll invite you to choose fellow participants to ‘represent’ the different aspects of your inner question. One by one you choose and then physically place each individual representative somewhere in the room where we are working. We then stand back from the constellation and observe the movements that follow for the representatives. It’s like a 3 dimensional sculpture of your question, with human beings representing the different forces and dynamics. The role of each representative is to embody the representation as fully and authentically as they can.

As a representative you’re not following a script like you would as an actor. You’re invited to express and embody what shows up in you. I often say to representatives ‘use ALL your ways of knowing’ and follow your inner movements and promptings as honestly as you can – it’s not about winning the Oscars for best dramatic performance. There is no special training required to be a representative, I believe we all have the capacity to step into another person’s life situation and feel into what’s happening.

Sometimes there is dialogue between representatives, and other times constellations can be expressed powerfully simply through the physical movements and body language of representatives.

Often in the initial set-up of the constellation, I’ll also invite you to choose someone to represent yourself, so that you can witness the movements a little from the outside like an observer. More often than not, and at some point during the constellation, I’ll invite you to physically step into the constellation yourself and experience it first-hand.

Sometimes simply witnessing the dynamics within your inner question is a powerful first step. My role is to keep returning to your inner question and to what would be of service to you. I try to be sensitive to the system so that it can reveal its own wisdom about what’s required to reach a better and healthier flow. Sometimes I might offer a healing sentence between representatives, sometimes suggesting an action, or I’ll invite representatives to truly see things ‘as they are’, rather than ‘how we’d like them to be’.

The workshop format: all workshops are residential and start at 6.00pm and finish at 4.30pm the following day.

Costs: £135 for a working place (i.e. you have your own constellation), £105 for a representative place, £75 concessions (limited number available). Prices include delicious vegetarian meals and accommodation in shared sleeping lofts in Hazel Hill’s beautiful off-grid eco-buildings. If you prefer a private room, an additional £20-£30 applies.

Generally speaking in a residential workshop we typically have time for 4-5 constellations. Not all participants will therefore have their own constellation, in other words to be the client. However it’s likely that most people will have the opportunity of being a representative in someone else’s constellation if they’d like to do so. The experience of being a representative is often very profound and can have a really positive impact on your life. I’m often fascinated by who or what I’m chosen to represent, and the feelings that emerge in and through me are often just what I need to help my own life’s questions. It’s a mysterious process!

What do to if you’d like to come on a workshop?
Check out the upcoming ‘Landscapes of Change’ - Retreat Series at Hazel Hill Wood, that I co-facilitate with Kirstin Irving from ChangeTools.

or…

simply get in touch to discuss the possibility of organising a workshop with Marcos.